All relationships come to an end. It is hard to hear, and even more difficult to feel. Whether you have control over the end of your relationship or not, loss affects each of us in different ways. Some of you will embrace the change in relationships, looking forward to new friends or partners that will bring upon new experiences. Others may feel devastation, as the end of a relationship can be emotionally debilitating. When relationships end, the two extremes of feeling nothing and feeling everything are harmful to our future goodbyes. Saying goodbye can be an emotionally healthy experience, in which you recognize what you have learned from that relationship, show gratitude for their presence and wish them well. The following steps can help you achieve the healing you’d like during, and after, a difficult goodbye.

Understanding Goodbyes Happens

Not understanding why goodbyes happen, but that goodbyes happen, period. When we say goodbye for understandable reasons, it can make ending a relationship easier. We tell ourselves they had to move, they’ve got a better job, they fought the illness all they could or its better off this way. Saying goodbye is still difficult when we have a reason for it, but it helps when we can hold onto those reasons, telling ourselves it's okay.

However, we don’t always understand why relationships end. When goodbyes are confusing or unexplained, it can be a very hurtful experience. It would be a better world if everyone could communicate and provide reasons for why their relationships are ending. Since we do not always get them, I gently challenge and encourage you to be the person that communicates their goodbyes, so as to not perpetuate abrupt separations that hurt others.

One way you can provide or obtain clarification around the ending of a relationship is saying what you need to say.

Say What Needs to be Said

Closure. If you've gotten closure before, you know how good it feels to not have lingering questions, regrets, or anger towards yourself or others. Closure allows you to move forward in your life, open to new relationships and what they will bring. It can be a beautiful and challenging process, one that lasts for a few hours or a few text messages. Whichever way it's done, closure can be best achieved through conversation.

These conversations may include telling someone you love them, you wish they weren't leaving, you’re angry they have to go, or you miss them already. These conversations may not stop the goodbye from happening, but it can help the goodbye happen with less pain.

Loss of a loved one can be a very difficult and painful goodbye. Death is the ending of a relationship that may leave you with a feeling of injustice, as you never have enough time to say goodbye, or worse, didn’t get to say goodbye at all. If this is the case for you, you can still say what needs to be said by sharing your feelings with others that share the loss or processing your emotions to the one that's passed in a letter.

For some people, saying goodbye is so hard, they avoid the conversation entirely. The disadvantage to "ghosting" though, is that you are depriving yourself, and the other person, an opportunity to have closure. Facing the difficult conversation may not be as bad as you thought it was going to be, as you ask and answer questions that can help someone move on. If the other person in your relationship gives you an answer as to why your relationship is ending, try not to push back too hard if you disagree with the reason. Remember, relationships end, and that is okay. They may have their reason and their reason is enough to say goodbye.

When all is said and done, you can take your time in finding the meaning of their role in your life by reflecting on what they've brought you.

Reflecting on What They Have Brought You

Every relationship you have been in, is one you have learned from. I'd like to think that the cliche "It is better to have loved and lost than never loved at all" was derived from the belief that the experience of love is enriching, meaningful and healing, even when it has to end. When a loving relationship has ended, the pain of saying goodbye can be eased when you assign a positive meaning to its time and place in your life. Reflecting on positive relationships is easy. There are endless wonderful feelings and experiences a person may have brought you, like feeling cared for, having someone to trust and have fun with. It is the "bad" or unhealthy relationships that are harder to reflect on. When you reflect on them, you may wonder what you could have gotten out of a relationship that made you unhappy. Well, if you can exercise flexibility in your thoughts, you may be able to identify some positives amongst the negatives.

When you end an unhealthy relationship, you may have walked away with higher standards for future companions, or the ability to set better boundaries. We all have an impact on each other and when we practice recognizing what we have gained from each other in a positive way, we can exercise gratitude more easily and often.

Once you've found something to be grateful for, you can take the time to let them know by saying, or sending them the thought, " Thank You". Saying "Thank you" is essential to a healthy goodbye, as it humbles and recognizes all the things you've been through in one simple phrase.

All that is left to do, is to naturally see the space between you and them get larger, leaving us to wish them well and move on.

Wishing them well

Finally, a healing goodbye. It gives you all of the feelings, without feeling too much or too little. If you're able to have said goodbye, recognized their contributions, and said "Thank You" for their presence, you can wish them well. When you miss someone from time to time, one way to move on from having said goodbye is to wish that person well. Rehearse the thoughts, " I wish them happiness", " I wish them love", or " I wish them peace". You can wish whatever you would like onto someone, as long as you remain positive and grateful to them, wishing them a wonderful life, or afterlife, experience that will enhance their being. After all, wouldn't we want others to wish us the same?